Love and Peace

Parent Teacher Conferences

2005-11-09T14:55:00.000-09:00

The kids did so well and Brian almost cried because of Jordan's teacher! She went on and on about what a wonderful and special boy he is and how she chose him to go to the new class to be the new teachers "prime example" and on and on about how she will miss him and how she was so glad to have him. Poor Brian got all teary eyed. So cute.

Vanessa did great as well, the teacher says she is really cooperative, friendly, and persistant. Got a B in math, can we say Mom's brain clone too? lol The rest were A's. This was the first year for A's and B's for her!

They both got a lot of praise and are beaming! For being a teen mom and really taking my parenting seriously, I can't help but feel proud for having a part in raising good kids.

Thanks for letting me brag a bit.

Caiden's best friend

2005-11-04T18:33:00.000-09:00

He loves this elephant! The thing cost a dollar and he LOVES it. The cheeks light up and play music and he finds the thing mesmerizing. I suppose I must save him a spot in the hope chest to give to his wife someday :)

So excited~

2005-11-03T11:10:00.000-09:00

I only have one more week and I am off to Vegas to see my mommy ALL BY MYSELF! We are going to a celebrate your life conference in Scottsdale Arizona to see some wonderfully inspiring speakers. It is truly an exciting spiritual and positive experience!

I can't wait to see Gary Zukav (You have probably seen him on Oprah) he writes the Seat of the Soul books.

I am also seeing Depok Chopra, Neale Donald Walsch, Brian Weiss, Wayne Dyer, and many more. I can't wait to find out about the upcoming movie "Conversations with God" and hear more about Indigo children. Am I losing any of you yet? lol

So anyway, it's exciting for me because these people are truly inspiring people. I wish you all could go! I gurantee you would come back feeling refreshed and renewed. Off to be enlightened next week! Woo hoo!

Celebrate Your Life is a weekend filled with endless possibilites and inspiring workshops to enrich your life and nourish your soul!

http://www.mishkaproductions.com/

Crystal Needs

2005-10-31T18:55:00.000-09:00

At a loss for inspiration so I am biting off Julie bo boolies blog! :)

Here are a list of my needs according to google

Crystal needs to be separated from the metal catches, hand- washed,dried, then re-hung to chandelier. (This either sounds kinky or scary. I hope this isn't my fate!)

Crystal needs a family that wil be everlasting and committed (aww, nice to know that some don't want me hung from a chandelier)

Crystal needs to be perfect in order to be used in x-ray diffraction (Well, excuse me for being mediocre)

Crystal needs to focus on herself for a change (amen to that!)

Crystal needs to upgrade its sewage-treatment facilities (Laxative anyone?)

Crystal needs to be positive and pure to serve its purpose and to be in harmony with the surroundings (I can live with positive, but pure might be a little too much)

Crystal needs to sit in a super-saturated solution to continue growing. ( As long as this saturation grows me vertical and not horizontal! Bring on the bon bons!)

Crystal needs to know that she will continue to be in contact with her sibling even after she joins her new family (That would be nice, thanks)

Crystal needs to be replaced. (I think my husband could agree with this sometimes!)

Crystal needs Its own trimmer (Well, judging from Julie's pubes post, I think I might!)

Crystal needs to be restored, to prevent the evil Skekses from ruling forever (Crystal to the rescue!)

The damn toy that fought back!

2005-10-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

Remember that part on Toy Story when Woody scares the pants off Syd by coming alive and spinning his head around saying "Don't mistreat your toys Syd, we're watching youuuuuuuuuuuuuu"?

Meet Tad, a cuddly little leapfrog toy that sat in the bargin bin at Walmart for only 3.00! Oh, he was too cute to pass up. Caiden was sure to fall in love with a little frog who sings about his feelings.

"Feelings are special, feelings are real, I like sharing the way I feel" How catchy and cute is that? Flip him to his happy part and he sings "The sun is out, it's time to play, I wear a smile on a happy day" Oh joy!

Fast forward to the time Caiden pushes this button for the 500th time and I throw it across the room..........

Poor Tad. No sooner did he hit the corner of the toy bin, I heard him cry out...

"If you're sad and you know it, say boo hoo hoo"

Never again will I save my empathy for only the living. I think I will go dig around the toybox and bring some of those on the bottom to the top so they can get a turn. Toys have feelings too!

Inflatable ladies legs

2005-10-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

According to the seller -- "when these are uninflated they can be stuck into someone's mouth".

Wow, that is a bit creepy isn't it? I mean, sticking an inflated leg into your mouth is just a little weird and kinky but an UNinflated one? Yikes.

Midterms over!

2005-10-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

YAY!

Just sharing pics

2005-10-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

Just some pics cause I take way too many to keep to myself..

What happened to my baby boy?

2005-10-19T15:08:00.000-08:00

Upload Video at JussPress.com

Midterms already?

2005-10-13T15:32:00.000-08:00

It's that time and I might be a bit sparse due to intensive studying but I won't disappear this time! I apologize if I can't visit and reply to your blogs but I am thinking of you all. Wish me luck!

Love and hugs to all!

Little souls at work..

2005-10-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

I love to observe children. If I wasn't so drawn to nursing I would go for a child psychology degree. Parks bring a wonderful opportunity to spy on those unsuspecting beings I gave birth to. Today I watched Christian and his lil soul at work and the work of other lil souls growing and learning about the world around them as they played.

I wish I could yell "FREEZE" and turn of the little switch in their brains as they grow into adolesence and adulthood. I still want them to experience life as the various ages, only without all the tainted garbage that comes along with it. Soon they learn prejudice and hate. Intolerance and greed. Envy and rage. Jealousy and heartbreak. It saddens me deeply that it is unavoidable, yet it feels me with such joy that they have these things present so that they may create a wonderful, beautiful version of who they wish to be.

For now, I will relish in the opportunities of seeing a soul in it's complete and uncondtionally loving stage in life.

So, Christian is running and playing,first with himself and then with a new friend. I watched as they helped each other on the slide and laughed as they ran. Completely oblivious as to the differences between them. They had a grand ol time and then it was time to go. Christian wanted me to meet his new friend so I walked over to the little boy and said hello.

He had down syndrome.

As we walked away, Christian said "I like my new friend"

Please keep your heart as big and as open as it was today my sweet son. Please remember these moments when your soul was shining so brightly. Hang on to that son. It's who you ARE. It's where you came from. Keep that light shining and love like there is no tomorrow.

Feminist girl in a male anatomy world

2005-10-10T21:03:00.000-08:00

I am surrounded by penises all day long. It all started the day I decided that having one of these in my life would be pretty cool. Soon, the first penis I married beget another penis and when that penis was no longer in my life, I found a new penis! That penis then brought about TWO more penises! I was swimming deep in penises now and there was no turning back.

I needed to learn how to live in a Penis world. I needed to learn how to clean up the pee that my penises left on the rim of the toilet.

I needed to learn how to explain to my little girl why she didn't have one of these devices.

I needed to learn how to tell my penises that if they have an itch, scratch it in private.

I needed to learn that the word ball as a plural noun does not mean the basketball in the front yard.

I needed to learn to keep elbows and knees away from my penises

My penises need to learn that they do not stick penises in electrical devices such as VCR's or DVD players

My penises need to learn not to flash the little girl on the playground

We don't call our penises after roosters or a man named Richard

We can call them pee pees or wee wees or penis or dilly dally doodly O

A sticker of donkey from Shrek does NOT go on your penis, this hurts

We don't paint our penises with fingerpaint

Sometimes, I want to scream "Penis, Penis, Penis" in my most annoying Marcia Brady tone. It's penis from the moment I wake until the moment I go to bed. I can't even escape it at school!

Pay close attention to these pictures in my Anatomy book...

You guessed it. ALL penises! The only place I see a woman is in the Reproductive chapter. Last I checked we all had the same bones and muscles that men do. Not only do they use men but they have to try an entice all of us nursing students (majority women) with a silhouette like the one above? Yes, I can see the six pack now who turned the lights off? :)

It's amazing at the end of the day how I could even want to deal with another penis lying next to me in the night. But, alas I do love my penises. :)

Obnoxious girl scout

2005-10-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

This is so hilarious! I love candid camera pranks! LMBO What would you say to this little girl? (It's a video, click link then scroll down)

http://www.rawmeat.com/link.php?id=465

Complaining will get you nothing but a pan of eggs

2005-10-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

I hate the walk. You know the one. The one where all you need is a gallon of milk but you know the only thing between you and dairy bliss is the dreaded WALK. I would do anything not to take that walk but until I can magically appear in the dairy asile by apparating, then I will forever be plauged with the slow motion walk.........

right past the gumball machines and silly horsey rides that never work unless you feed it twice the amount of quarters and give it a kick in the rear. I admit, sometimes I get drawn to the "Play till you win!" candy machine that allows as many turns as it takes until you get a reward. Which usually ends up being a tiny tootsie roll that costs a whoppin 25 cents. Is it worth it?

For the laugh I got today it is. Watching karma unfold it's ugly head on my children was priceless. Let me describe the scene....

Shopping was over and they all earned a quarter at the machines out in the lobby of Walmart. Vanessa "stealing" Christian's turn and claming to be helping him move the crane over a lollipop prize. He ended up with a tootsie roll and little green Army man and it gave Vanessa a chuckle. She seemed delighted at the fact that he didn't get a cool prize and that she had a minor roll in that outcome.

Then it was her turn. The quarter goes in and her eyes light up. I see her eyeing the pretty bracelet with the big jolly rancher sucker. She concentrates hard and moves the crane carefully over the area where they sat. Slowly...the crane moves over to the hole and drops her prize.

She puts her hand in the hole and with a nasty look on her face she shows me what she won...

A green Army man.

Oh I could hardly contain my laughter. I felt bad so I gave her another shot to redeem herself. Perhaps she would tell Christian she was sorry? Nevertheless, I watched again as she REALLY concentrated hard on her prize. It was not an Army man that fell to the hole unwanted this time.

It was a lollipop! Without a wrapper. A dud!

I let it all rip that time. I was howling with laughter. This was better than saying no to the quarter in the first place! Priceless.

Reminds me of a time Jordan got a bit unlucky at the machines. He was around two years old and was so excited to pick a machine to put his quarter in. He didn't want candy or gum, but rather a cool prize like a mood ring or parachute man so he placed his quarter in and turn the dial....

Out pops a miniture pan of eggs. No joke. A tiny, little breakfast loving, cheap plastic pan with two little eggs sizzling inside. The look on poor Jordan's face was one I will never forget. We lost that pan of eggs for quite some time there until I found the sorry thing lying by my cacti in Arizona, in the dirt, still sizzling away over easy.

It's a warning to my kids. Don't fight, complain, or whine about what you have because you might end up with just a pan of eggs.

100 things about Christian :)

2005-10-03T18:29:00.000-08:00

He was a 1 week early
He was the first baby that I did with the help of an epidural
It sucked
I almost vomited and passed out
I will never forget that feeling
He was born in 2 pushes
He almost came out from just scooting down on the bed
The doctor joked that I should write the book on how to give birth
After I told them that my first two came out in 3 or less pushes.
What can I say? I just know how to push those suckers out ;)
He was the only one born at a decent time
Lunchtime!
He is the first child I had with my spades partner
I was pregnant with him 6 weeks before I got married to his daddy
You can see a "kisschin" pooch in my wedding photos
His nickname is kisschin btw
When he was born, I realized that I had given birth to my husband
I sometimes wonder if Christian is Brian's dad reincarnated (he committed suicide when Brian was young.)
He is my most outgoing
He didn't get it from me
He is a pro at puzzles
I could watch him for hours putting one together
It amazes me
He is my most challenging with dicipline
I am probably not as consistant with him as I should be
He is constantly messing with Caiden
He gets in the most trouble for that
He won't EVER leave him alone.
I picked his name after I saw the name on a teen show
I think it was called USA High
There was a german guy on there named Christian
It has no religious affiliation at all
I just like the sound
He tries every food I make
His favorite candy is skittles
His favorite movie is Shrek
He is good at miniature golf
Better then his momma!
He cannot do something and not finish it
He is very anal like that
That is a daddy quality
I suppose that can be good sometimes
He says when he gets bigger he is going to be a doctor
One time he put 5 bandaids on a cut on my toe
He kept changing them
I envision he will be a class clown
I hope I don't get too many calls about him
He is the only one of my children with brown eyes
His birthday is two days after his dad's
January 31st
He was born in Tucson, Arizona
My mom and sister were there for his birth
He has two birthmarks
One on his shoulder
One on his back (tiny one)
He is the only one to have them
He had a hernia in his testicle when he was 16 months old
He had to have surgery for it
That was hard
His dad has only been in his life 2 years
He is three years old
His dad was gone for a year of his life (deployed to Korea)
Christian acted like he had never left him
He knows how to work the tv remote
and dvd
and cd player
Perfect man in training..lol
He has a temper
He stomps his feet and screams when mad
He likes to sneak outside when I am not watching
I had to buy an extra lock so he can't get out the door
He was potty trained in an odd way
Brian and I were both deathly ill and he ran out of diapers
We were too sick to go buy more
He then had to wear underwear
It worked!
He never wants to go to bed at night
He had to have 911 called 3 times in his life
He cut his tiny finger on a glass pretty deep
It wouldn't stop bleeding
Grandma called 911
They said it was pretty bad and to go to the ER
He had to have 4 stiches in his tiny 10 month old hand
He also put an ink pen inside my stove
It caught on fire
Called 911
He is now scared of fire extinquishers
Got a mysterious package meant for Christian
had an entire street block evacuated due to it's suspicion
Took over 4 hours to get the box blown up and investigated
It was Christians formula
Oops
Life is never dull with him around
He always makes me laugh
He says the funniest things
He always has a hug for me
He is gonna be a heartbreaker for sure
He is my middle boy
He is my tough boy
He is my heart too :)

100 things about Jordan

2005-09-14T10:51:00.000-08:00

I want to keep up with the blogging world but find my brain mush and inspiration low when all I can think about is atoms and ions! So, my next few blogs will allow me to focus on a specific subject while allowing you all to peek in on my life and get to know the members of my family better! Enjoy! I am not going in any particular order just for the pure fun of having enough members in my family to be random! lol

1. He was two miserable weeks late
2. He was born in Germany
3. He was the biggest of all my babies at 9lbs even
4. I peed during his birth
5. Shot straight up in the air like a geyser
6. I laughed so hard about it that it made his head crown
7. I didn't poop thank God
8. I didn't have any drugs
9. He was not a good breastfeeder
10. His last name is French
11. People pronounce it wrong all the time
12. He walked at 10 months old
13. His first word was ball
14. He had two rounds of stitches before the age of 4
15. One in his lip
16. One on his eyebrow
17. His lip looks permantaly "fat" on the bottom because of the scar
18. People always ask him what happened
19. I am sure some girl will find it irresitable someday
20. He has the most gorgeous smile
21. He has blue eyes
22. He use to have trouble with the "s" sound.
23. He would say "fighterman" instead of spiderman.
24. Or Kittles instead of Skittles
25. Or cooter instead of scooter
26. One day he just stopped doing it and has said those words correctly ever since
27. He gets embarrassed easily
28. He got that from his mom
29. His face gets really red like mine
30. He is extremely shy
31. He is a yellow belt in Taekwondo
32. He loves it
33. He does not want to play any type of competitive sports
34. He likes to help me cook though
35. I think that is a better skill anyway
36. His birthday is Sunday
37. He will be the big SIX!
38. He started Kindergarten three days ago
39. His teacher put him on the wrong bus on the first day
40. She found out before it left
41. I would have been furious if she hadn't remembered
42. He is a lovey dovey boy
43. He gives me hugs a lot
44. I don't want him to go through adolesence and forget to hug his mom
45. In his ultrasound picture he looked as if he was saluting me
46. I wonder if his destiny is in the military?
47. It wouldn't surprise me
48. He loves to play G.I Joe
49. He calls action figures his "mans"
50. His very first "man" was buzz lightyear
51. He now sits legless in a special place in my hopechest
52. Grandma was there at his birth
53. He learned how to tie his shoes in 30 minutes
54. He learned how to ride his bike without training wheels this summer
55. He now jumps over ramps
56. He is the easiest kid in the family (besides Caiden)
57. As far as dicipline goes
58. He listens the best
59. He was named after Michael Jordan
60. He was my favorite basketball player
61. I always said I would name a son after him
62. His middle name is Caleb
63. No particular reason other than I like how it flowed
64. He is protective of his family
65. He doesn't like to go anywhere unless we ALL go
66. He thinks flies bite
67. He is sensitive
68. He LOVES video games
69. He is really really good at them
70. Better than Brian
71. He loves computer games too
72. He can write his name
73. He can't read yet
74. But he can add and subtract
75. I suppose he will be math oriented
76. He loves ME to read to him though
77. He can't wait to learn to read
78. His first day of school he said "I didn't learn how to read yet"
79. I guess he thought he would be learning in one day
80. He can't wait to read Harry Potter books
81. We go on dates to the movies
82. Our next date is "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" in November
83. He hates wearing shorts
84. I am glad we don't live in Arizona anymore or he would get heat exhaustion
85. He is photogenic
86. He has freckles on his nose
87. He loves hot dogs
88. He is VERY picky
89. He gets in the most trouble because of his eating habits
90. He has lost many snack priviledges because of this
91. If he sees anything that is an odd color in food I have to tell him it's seasonsings.
92. For a long time every meat was "ham"
93. He likes chocolate milk
94. He doesn't like amusement rides
95. He has 50 dollars saved
96. I bet he will buy some action figures
97. He likes to get a quarter for the gumball machine at Walmart
98. He is almost always good enough to get one
99. He is my oldest boy
100. He is my heart

Bad Blogger!

2005-09-05T11:15:00.000-08:00

Did ya miss me?

My inspiration to write gets sidetracked for other things at times! That is why I don't think I would do well writing novels and such and having deadlines to follow. So, as I have nothing interesting to say I will just do an update on my life at present.

School:

Going well. The first week proved to be exhausting and I hope I am not in over my head. Let's talk about the teachers..

Anatomy Lab: Instructor is younger than me! She just graduated with a degree in biology last year. Nice gal, knows her stuff.

Anatomy lecture: Nice guy, VERY thourough which is a must in this class. I can honestly say that from my first week I can tell you the 3 components of blood, how they function, and what they look like. He makes the class interesting and writes all the notes on the board which makes it easy to follow.

Chemistry: I learn more reading the textbook on my own. Old guy, suffering from Parkinsons disease. Uses that phrase "To be honest" a little too much. Pretty nice but goes off in all directions and loses train of thought and ends up talking about his wife or something. I will continue to "self teach" as the book is really helpful.

Nutrition: Almost fell asleep and felt my head jerk. I hope nobody saw me. The lady is really nice but reads almost word for word from textbook. Boring! You would think nutrition is about eat your veggies and exercise, but this book is about as heavy as the Anatomy one. Ugh. I think I may have to resort to caffeine to get through this one.

Life Span Development: Online course. Nobody has said anything and the teacher has not responded to my email. I suppose I just do what the assignments tell me and go about my buisness. Going to be easy and it's pretty interesting too!

Life at home:

Going well, getting help from my wonderful hubby and he has helped me on the chemistry math crap as he is a "math genius" as he calls himself.

Vanessa starts school tomorrow and Jordan on the 12th. I am excited about that! Too much fighting going on. I hope the teachers stay at school and decide not to strike for my sanity.

I am finally on the last Harry Potter and getting frustrated at Dumbledore for not finishing what he is trying to tell Harry. What the hell happened to his hand? I want to know! Ahh well, I am headed off to Hogwarts in a few so I shall find out.

Life is not exciting at the moment, but at least you all know I am alive. Love and hugs to all!

Oh and please keep the Hurricane victims in your hearts and minds. What a terrible tragedy.

Free Maid Service!

2005-08-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

The glorious day has arrived! I finally recruited my second Olympian to full fledged honorary, Mr. Maid (bronze medal). It took 5 years to fully train him, but the day has arrived. I have had my first recruit (who is currently working to upgrade to the Gold medal) for a couple of years now. She is continuing to do well, has slacked a few times, but overall a good worker.

Both were free of charge and came into the family when they were just wee little bits. When they were just two years old I had them training for the toy box Olympics, where they competed in the soft toy toss, dress the naked doll, and find the lego scavenger hunt. Eventually, they became ready to play in the dirty laundry shootout! They practiced hard, had some setbacks, but today they graduated to the dishathon and the vacuum push.

I saw Jordan coming round the hallway, vacuum in place, Vanessa comes running around the corner almost knocking the hose right out of his hand! She suffered a foul for that one and a 2 point loss. Jordan is finally on to her and as she reaches her hand down to pick up the green bean off the floor, Jordan sucks it up with a single turn of the wrist! Score! Jordan's first game in the vacuum push, brings him a first place victory.

Vanessa exacted her revenge in the next event. The dishathon. This game consists of completely ridding the dining room and kitchen of any editable remains or dish. Not an easy task. Off they go! Jordan goes under the table trying to sneak his way around before Vanessa can grab the dirty plate. He gets caught in the chairs and Vanessa snatches the plate and races to the sink with a smile! A disgruntled Jordan gives up and starts to play with a toy, completely disqualifying himself from the race. When this happens, the participated MUST complete the task, yet is given no reward. Vanessa comes out in first in the dishathon.

Two more Olympian are in training and one day they will all compete in the "Clean the whole house so mom can rest" event. These Olympic games will be divided evenly into fours and will include all of the following events...

Soft Toy Toss
vacuum Push
Dishathon
Garbage run
Laundry Shootout
Terminate the Dust Bunny

and many more. It's exciting to think that one day I will be able to retire from these Olympic games myself and can watch my protege's take my medals as inspiration. Goodness knows I have earned enough of them already!

Harry Potter

2005-08-17T17:16:00.000-08:00

I decided to start all over from the beginning from year one before delving into the newest. Everytime I read them I think of how brillant this lady is! To single handedly use her wonderful imagination and wit to draw in all ages, from the first time reader to the grandmother of ten and lay before them a common ground.

Not only do my children see the joy of reading by passing by and seeing my nose stuck in a book, they also see me reading something they are very much interested in! How much more brillant could a writer be?

For fun I bought some Berties Botts Beans and had the grandest time with my kids! Watching their faces squirm and contort in the funniest ways as they one by one tried dirt, grass, ear wax, and after 20 minutes of bribing.....vomit flavor.

Thank you J.K Rowling for such wonderfully imaginative books that have allowed me to be a kid again and throw myself into a magical place full of wonder and excitement.

Why am I getting bombarded?

2005-08-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

This makes me sad. I might have to close this down to the public.

I LOVE YOU

2005-08-11T14:41:00.000-08:00

Do you know that? Can you believe that someone you don't even know, can honestly say those words to you? Believe it.

The dictionary describes love as a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

Let's look at the last one.. a sense of underlying oneness.. Where does that come from? Have you ever stood before the vast waters of the ocean and felt a connection? Have you ever paused beneath a redwood tree and soaked up the enormity of it's wonder? Have you ever watched a baby searching for life's answers through the gleam in your eye? Have you ever seen a homeless man and feel a twinge of sadness at his predicament?

That is love my friends. That is realizing the connection that we all share as living entities. Love is natural to all of us and love is not reserved for the few but should be given freely to the masses. All of humanity deserves your love. Be it friend or foe. Love them.

So, if ever you are feeling as if nobody in the world loves you or cares about the quality of your life, you can say with reassurance...

"Oh yeah, that one girl with the peace blog does" and I do.

Good song

2005-08-11T14:17:00.000-08:00

I dug out an old song that a friend of mine shared a long time ago. You can follow the link to listen yourself if you like! It's on the left hand side. It makes you think and it's catchy so watch out!

UnAmerican

Didn't know I was unamerican

For choosing to give a damn

Or unpatriotic

For daring to take a stand

For what I believe in

Looks like freedom to me -

Expressions of liberty

Wanting our America to be

A responsible hegemony

Didn't know I was a communist

For wanting to share the wealth

It doesn't take an economist

To measure the cost of health

And what I believe in

Looks like heaven to me -

One human family

Where everybody's got enough to eat

And something warm to cover their feet

Didn't know I'd be labeled a terrorist

For daring to speak my mind

It's becoming more precarious

For failing to toe the line

And what I believe in

Sounds like freedom to me -

Like the Sons of Liberty

In 1773

Dumping 45 tonnes of tea

Didn't know I was in the minority

Of people who love the Earth

I hope it becomes a priority

Before it gets any worse

And what I believe InLooks like heaven to me -

Where angels take the shape of the trees

Giving us clean air to breathe

From the rivers to the mountains and seas...

DIdn't know I hated my country

For acknowledging the Truth

This war is despicable profiteering

At the expense of our youth

And what I believe In

Looks like heaven to me -

All of humanity

Living as community

In relative harmony

I know it's just a song

But if the whole world sang along

How much longer would it be this way?

Bathroom conventions...

2005-08-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

Why is it that a bathroom is everything BUT a bathroom? In my house the last thing it is ever going to be...is the bloody thing it was meant to be!

Daddy's Office: When Dad has to go it's always announced as if he is headed to a business meeting. "I'll be in my office" are his words of departure as he heads into his land of lavatory bliss. The door to his office is never shut during the meeting, only cracked. This allows any odors to permeate through the entire house while the rest of us are walking the halls with our shirts covering our noses. A visit to Daddy’s office is never complete until you hear the door shut (he must wipe in seclusion) and then open again 2 minutes later while yelling “Hey guys, come take a look at this log!”

Prairie Doggin It: Commonly heard phrase used by dad when driving down the road and no restroom is in sight. This let’s us know that a bathroom is desperately needed before the “Prairie Dog” makes his exit at the most inopportune time.

The “Mom says Yes when she is in here” zone: While using the facilities in my home, I am often bombarded by little people asking for snacks and drinks. “Mom, can you get me some chocolate milk?” Hmm, sure let me get up off the pot and go do that for you right this second! Ahh, but these children know that I am in a vunerable spot. Mom needs to take a poo, I want a snack. Mom wants to poo in peace, I want a snack. Mom wants to poo in peace, I keep opening the door and asking for snacks. Mom says YES, just get out and let me poo in peace! Success!

The family meeting room: Okay, so the bathroom is not just used for pleasures of elmination. It is also a place to unwind in a bath full of bubbles and a good book. Not in my house. This is the time to come in and ask me where I left that receipt to the groceries I bought so it can be added to the checkbook. It's the time to come in and ask me when I am going to be done because the baby wants me. Yeah right! It's the time to ask about where babies come from and to make mom a santa beard out of bubbles. Everyone wants to congregate in the bathroom when mommy wants some peace and quiet! The next thing I know I am sitting naked in a bath full of bubbles and 10 eyes staring at me. Crap! Where'd my book go?

The "You can't Hide" room: Can't get a moments peace? Run to the your washroom and mediate for a few minutes. HA! Not in my house. My kids have already learned how to take the tiny tip of a wire hanger and pop that lock right open. Nice Try Mom.

Slippery When Wet Zone: It's not a bathroom, it's a swimming pool! It's much more fun to have the bath water on the outside of the bath then actually in the container it was meant for. While action figures and barbies are surfing a tidal wave of Mr. Bubbles, my floor is becoming a serious health hazard. Careful where you walk!

The "I know there are 2 more of these somewhere" room: You made it. 3am,the floor is dry, the door is locked and tied down, the kids are sleeping, the husband hasn't stunk the place up and you sit quietly on the throne. KNOCK KNOCK! Somehow at 3am and all other precautions have been met, you still manage to wake the team before the first log even hits the water. Perfect time to tell them "Hey, we have 2 other bathrooms you know!"

The "What the hell was I ever complaining about?" room: This room hasn't been used yet, but it is reserved. Reserved for those days when I walk into the bathroom and that is all it is. A lonely bathroom, where not an ounce of water is on the floor, the pictures are even, no toothpaste gunk is left in the sink, nobody asking for snacks, or wanting to play in my bath water. No naked, drenched barbies lining the side of the tub, no action figures poking me in the butt when I sit down. I will wonder why I ever wanted to poo in peace.

Then I'll get the phone call from those kidlets of mine...

MOM! THE KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY! I CAN'T EVEN POOP IN PEACE!

Then I will smile. Payback.

Become a Republican

2005-08-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

Heehee...Should be taken lightly. Click on the image!

Can I count on you?

2005-08-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

THE STEPS FOR PEACE PROJECT

Our goal is to gather 144,000 signatures (in this case electronic signatures) which will be presented to Pope Benedict as well as to officials from the UN gathering in Assisi on September 21, the United Nation's International Day of Peace.

Help us send a strong message to the leaders of the world proclaiming our intent for creating a New World.To sign the declaration today, please go to www.emissaryoflight.com/peacewalk/ James Twyman will lead a peace walk from Assisi to Rome September 12th - 21st ending with a Papal audience where he, joined by Earthdance International founder, Chris Deckker, will present the names of those asking for peace to the Pope. The following day they will take the list of names to the United Nations peace conference taking place in Assisi. Meanwhile, Earthdance International is coordinating a global peace event taking place in hundreds of cities around the world to dance and pray for peace the weekend of September 17th. The highlight of the Earthdance International event is a simultaneous dance-floor link up, when every event across the world plays the Prayer for Peace. We are asking the people of the world to both join us in prayer on September 17th and to sign the Declaration. If you are interested in joining the peace walk in Assisi or the Earthdance International celebrations, you can click on the links below. There is great power in prayer, so join us in making the dream of peace a reality! Please sign up and be counted! Once again, please pass this on to everyone you know, and sign the declaration today. Peace!

Gap Hippy

2005-08-03T18:55:00.000-08:00

Some probably wonder "What the hell does that mean?" So, I am here to enlighten you. What do you envision when you think of a hippy?

Ahh, I bet I know.....

Perhaps you envision orgies? Woodstock? Mary Jane? Peace Signs? Tye Dye? Long Hair? Flower Power?

While those things might be pretty darn cool to the average hippy, I wanted to break that mold. Put a little of my own Shock and Awe into my conservative opposites. I wanted to dress in a pair of khakis and a button down shirt while singing "Imagine" to all the Republicans. "But...But... You don't LOOK like a hippy" they would exclaim!

The Gap Hippy was born.

Looks can be deceiving my friends, little did you know I have peace signs on my underwear, tye dye in my heart, and a whole lotta love for YOU man. Peace! Do you dig it?

Oh and all those Gap clothes I wear? I got them from a thrift shop. I have better things to spend my money on.

Something for you to try today..

2005-08-02T20:55:00.000-08:00

Are you having a wonderful life today?

Think of a problem that you have today.
Now think of a bigger problem.
Just imagine one that you could have.
Got it? Good.
Now think of a bigger problem.Just make one up. Okay? Good.
Now think of an even BIGGER problem.Great.
Now think of the problem that you thought of originally, the one that you are facing right now. Feeling better about it? You should be. Place your problems in this context and you will always feel better.

Have a wonderful day! :)

Rest in peace

2005-08-01T19:57:00.000-08:00

Kodak Easy Share DX4900
2001-2005
My camera was a good camera. I will never forget the day it came into my life. It was a hot Arizona July day, and my husband was throwing me a surprise birthday party at a kids pizza place. There was only one thing in the world that I had begged for that year. A digital camera. I slowly opened the wrapping and as I pulled the last piece of tape from the gift, there is was. Shiny and new and so full of life! I just knew we would become fast friends. After carefully allowing my camera to get ready for capturing the memories of my world, we got right to buisness!

Snapping here, snapping there, snapping a piece of life everywhere I went! It was my best friend. It captured memories of birthdays, holidays, births, hugs, kisses, travels, and most importantly...Love. It survived a harsh fall to the concrete floor and dirty fingerprints smearing chocolate amongst it's lens.

Soon, it's ticker slowly started to weaken. Many a day I would not be able to bring my friend along to a special event, as it was too tired to function. I tried to get battery transplants but it started to get too expensive. It went through it's last surgery last night as the last battery replacement was attempted.

Sadly, DX4900 did not make it through the night.

So, I bid adieu to my most precious friend and thank you for allowing me 4 years of capturing countless memories.

Baby Kodak due when school loan disbursement comes in the mail.

My friend Patch

2005-07-29T15:04:00.000-08:00

I am sure you have heard of the movie "Patch Adams" and if you haven't, you must not miss this inspirational delight! Patch is more to me than a movie, he is my friend.

Several years ago my mother was going through some excrutiating pain. No diagnosis was found and she lay in complete agony for more than three months. She was treated horribly by many members of the hospital staff and was told that it was "all in her head" and to go home. I was in Germany at the time and my heart broke to hear this woman that I cared for so deeply was suffering and praying for death. I decided to write Patch Adams a letter. I didn't think I would get a response and if I did it would be some generated generic response sent to everyone who contacted him. I was wrong.

I got a handwritten letter from him giving his thoughts and prayers. Not only did I receive a letter but he wrote a letter to my mom as well as his books to keep her company and provide a laugh. I was in awe of such a caring soul, that I vowed I would someday enter the medical profession and never treat a living soul the way that my mother was treated during that horrible time period. It has taken me a bit longer, but I am almost there. One of the first things I want to do when I graduate is take a "Clown Trip" with Patch himself and fly to another country and just deliver smiles and laughter to the disease stricken and the lonely. Here is what a clown trip is this year it's in Russia...

My brother Wildman and I are ready to invite you into the enchantment of public clowning and love and fun in service to suffering. We are looking for 30 people who want to clown (we’ve accepted those aged 10-87 in the past). There is no experience that is required, only the commitment to go to the engagements. We will clown one (1) week in each of the two cities at hospitals, orphanages, prisons, nursing homes, hotels, subways — everywhere — because I ask people to wear their costumes on the flight there and throughout the trip, coming to every engagement full of love, compassion and fun for everyone.
Last year the cost from the U.S. was $3,800.00 for everything and for other people from other destinations, $2,800 plus airfare. This includes hotels, food, bus to jobs, and train ride. We have many Russian friends and are deeply involved with many orphans. All are very poor so we tack on $150 for each person (in total cost) to cover their costs at meals. You cannot fail at this trip if you are filled with love. This is a great buddy trip for your kids, partner, or old friend. There are no clown classes (take them at home if you like), only a large number of hours of experience, in a wide variety of settings in which to experiment. Each person is responsible for their own delight. I am just one of the clowns doing my own exploring of work and play. I should not be your motivation to come; rather it should be the privilege to serve in love and fun with all we encounter.

My goals are: 1) to give the participants a magical clown troupe experience encouraging group cohesiveness in intimacy for all, 2) to spread as much love and fun everywhere as is humanly possible, in the hope of showing people how easy it is to live this way so they will take it home in their daily lives, 3) to expose you to many Russians in hopes you will make friends with at least one, 4) to give each the opportunity of two (2) solid weeks of finding and spending their clown self, 5) to expose people to poverty and feel the discomfort of a discrepancy between rich and poor.
I encourage folk to read Russian history and as much of their literature as you can. (Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Turgenev, Chekhov, Gogol, Bulgakov, Pushkin, Pasternak, Mandelstam, Akhmatova, Pelevin, etc.) You will be well cared for in this very poor, troubled country and I fully discourage any whiners or misanthropes from coming on the trip. This is not a trip for someone who is a prima donna.

Join me in spreading the peace, love, and joy

2005-07-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

I got to thinking about my daymaker post and how that got a friend below to make a question on it which in turn will make others spring to action and do something for someone else. A classic example of paying it forward.

I have a challenge for you! I want you all to do 100 random acts of kindness before the summer is over. This could be in real life or in the blogging world. It could be a kind word, a smile, a hug, a gift, well I don't need to go on and tell you how to be kind! What do you say?

Now if you do decide to leave the comments in the blog world let me know! Give a link so we can all enjoy it! Don't be afraid to spare a post about it on your own blog! We can reach many more people than just my tiny bit of the blogging world through all of YOU.

Let people know that YOU are a daymaker! Here are some things you can take if you want to post them on your own blog. Join me in being a daymaker and love the world around you. They are part of you, ya know :)

Do you want to be a daymaker?

2005-07-27T19:06:00.000-08:00

A daymaker is someone who wants to enrich the lives of those around them...Click here and make my day, then go out and shine your light with those around you. Make THEIR day a better place. Smile

Scared to death

2005-07-26T21:04:00.000-08:00

I have been prepping myself for the college life that is soon to encompass me. Reading nursing student blogs, nursing books, nursing sites, just for a glimpse of encouragement that I can do this. Alas, I am confronted with many tired out, stressed to the max, childless, marriage less, fresh out of highschool and running on 2 hours of sleep each night students.

Those two hours of precious sleep consist of dreams where an old man is giving birth to a 15 pound baby while surviving a gun shot wound to his left knee, then getting an infection from his breast augmentation while suffering from dysentary from the 15 margaritas he drank on his cruise to Mexico that ended in spraining his ankle, then flat lining while they try to breathe life back into his 89 year old body that is full of metal pins from his hip displacement the year before.

Then they wake from a cold sweat, rushing to put on the scrubs they couldn't wait to wear but have to sniff to make sure they are clean enough not to become quarantined in some remote room in the hospital. They grab a donut on the way out the door and get to their first day on clinicals and find a bitchy nurse who is pmsing and wants nothing to do with a student like YOU.

How the heck am I gonna do this? They are scaring the hell outta me.

I don't want friends

2005-07-25T15:28:00.000-08:00

I am convinced that the reason I don't have friends is because I want it too much. Wanting only produces that exact experience. Wanting. It is also easier on the heart to think such a reason for my friendlessness, sure beats thinking it's because I smell.

When I was in highschool, friendships came easily. I was outgoing and upbeat and girls and guys alike flocked to my down to earth attitude. Then I got pregnant and became a forgotten entity. I wanted it that way. I was a loser then and the girl whose goals had once been admired by many, was now nonexistant. She won't go anywhere now, people snickered. Such a shame.

When my life had went from immediate high to somewhere between the fungus on someone's toe to the dirt beneath their feet, shy Crystal was born. She appeared when the realization that people do judge and make false assumptions arose out of nowhere.The once outgoing and upbeat girl of the early 90's has never returned.

I miss her. When I first became a military wife I thought that each new place was a chance to bring back my old self. New place, new faces, new Crystal. Never worked. Whenever I moved to some place new, I would go to the local library, stock up on books for months, and completely become a hermit inside my home. Once I didn't leave my house for 2 whole weeks. The only fresh air I allowed my lungs to partake in, was the slight breeze from a cracked window. One I could hide behind.

I could die inside my home and rot for weeks before the smell would make people realize that someone actually LIVED there.

This life has been a lonely one for the past 10 years. Not a single friend. Nobody has ever been inside my home besides my husband, family and my children's friends. I am not exagerrating. I have never went shopping or out to eat with a friend, I have never laughed until dawn, told corny jokes, cried over sappy movies, or had a hug from a girlfriend.

I have never shared intimate moments, problems, or had a shoulder to cry on in a friend. I have never been given the chance to do any of these things back and so much more.

I knew I couldn't write this without the tears. Not for myself but because of some important reasons in my life. Vanessa, Jordan, Christian and Caiden. Vanessa, Jordan and Christian are ALL shy children in some form or another. Vanessa can barely choke out the words thank you without feeling embarrassed, Jordan turns as red as a beet and cries if he is in an uncomfortable situation, Christian looks to me to save him if a stranger says hello. I am afraid I will ruin Caiden as well.

I want to give my children confidence! But, I have failed miserably.

When Vanessa is begging me to make friends and tries to help me overcome my own shyness, that is a serious problem. She always says "Go talk to her mom over there" or "That is my friends mom, why don't you go say hi" she is relying too much on my happiness and she is only 9 years old! Her mom should have friends and do things! Her mom should be a 27 year old woman and be confident in herself! I have since tried actually letting myself be known to the world by getting out and talking, still doesn't work.

What is it gonna take?

Shyness sucks.

What kind of blogger are you?

2005-07-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

Old Soul

2005-07-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

That is what my mom always calls me. She says I can see and comprehend things like a wise old woman who has lived and weathered through years of turmoils and triumphs. Though young in age, she always says I am a soul that has been around the block a few times.

I always laugh. I envision this circle of light to be running the streets of tomorrow, long winded and tired of the cycle. Just wanting to go home, but knowing that I am just not finished running yet. Along the way I see new souls walking leisurely, taking their time, knowing that time does not exist in this realm. Others are closer to the finish line than I and I feel eager to join them. But someday I will be. Right now my running has purpose that needs to be fulfilled.

So, here I was, 18 years old, and I was sitting in church. Questions swirling through my mind like they always did. Thinking of the other millions of people, just like myself, sitting in their own churchs, temples, halls, and gymnasiums. Thinking, "Ahh yes, we have it right, God is so pleased!" it made me shudder. Why was I having these thoughts? Surely I would have been struck with lightening for thinking such nasty thoughts. I couldn't shake the feeling that this God who I allowed into my heart and was Baptized in the name of, was just a tad bit mean. Those other people loved Him and worshipped him every Sunday just like I did, but because it wasn't the "right" way then they would surely be prosecuted? Right?

Then it happened. The pastor walked up to the pulpit and said loudly and with sadness in his voice that the Bible says that we should share our griveances amongst one another so that we may change our ways. I am not sure of the exact scripture as it was so long ago. He proceeded to tell the congregation that Brother so and so (yes he named names!) was having an affair on his wife with so and so.

I got up and walked out. I wanted nothing to do with that kind of God he spoke of, needing to embarrass people and hurt them for the sake of our sins. Now, I wasn't naive enough to think that all churches did this type of thing and that I just got a bad seed, so I tried others. Many times I had a wonderful experience! I saw so many people moved to tears, happy ones, when they turned a life of destruction around for the sake of God. In each and every different experience, I saw changed lives. My heart was happy for them. Happy that they found the path to place such love in their lives.

It still wasn't for me. Then I started pondering the thought that maybe we ALL could be "right" and that surely God didn't just pick one religion or denomination. Surely there was no chosen people to speak of! I decided to do some serious soul searching. The God of my dreams was alive in everyone, and fit the term uncondtionally loving to the tee. He didn't send his creation to everlasting hell, he couldn't! Not only could he not do so in the mind of my heart , but every physical thing I knew about energy and life was that if God was the all of everything then he couldn't physically seperate his being from part of himself (which is us) Right? Then my thoughts started spinning on the idea that I called Him a Him at all! Couldn't He be a she? The questions poured out of my heart. That is the God I wanted in my life and that is the one I felt was a part of me all my life, I just needed the courage to admit that I do not know everything there is to know about God and Life and that it was okay to question these things.

I embraced this new idea and was excited to work on my own path to God, and to experience and trust this new journey. I have had several profound spiritual experiences that I will share later on. Many I have shared with my own mother. I am so glad I chose her to be my mom.

To be continued...

100 things about me

2005-07-19T14:44:00.000-08:00

Jumpin on this one cause I thought it was neato. :)

1. I have big nipples (hey, gotta get you through the next 99 of these somehow)
2. I would love to join the Peace Corps
3. I need white noise to sleep
4. I hate coffee, tea, and coke
5. I like Sprite or Root Beer
6. I hate the state of Texas
7. Too humid
8. I'll probably die there thanks to my husband
9. I sleep with my thumbs tucked into my hand like a newborn
10. I don't know how they end up like that
11. I don't do it on purpose
12. I use to be the three point queen in basketball
13. I make nothing but airballs now
14. I never buy any clothing at full price
15. I have to eat something sweet after I eat dinner
16. I like thunderstorms
17. I have been known to have road rage
18. I would love to own a manatee if it were legal
19. The faster the roller coaster, the happier I am
20. I like self help books
21. I hate black licorice but I love Good N Plenty's
22. I hate onions but I love onion rings
23. I make a mean strawberry banana smoothie
24. I want to be like Patch Adams in the female form
25. My mom and I are best friends
26. I think Angelina Jolie is hot hot hot too :)
27. I would do her even though im married
28. Brian says he would like that
29. I haven't had a friend since 12th grade
30. One that I go and do things with anyway
31. I like every fruit known to man
32. I hate preparing it though
33. I can play a bunch of different kinds of poker
34. It's been so long though that I forgot
35. I eat lots of yogurt
36. Probably why I have never had a yeast infection
37. I have never broken a bone
38. I was burned and hospitalized for a week when I was a baby
39. The hospital let me sit in my own diarrahea for days
40. My dad was pissed about that
41. I feel bad when I step on ants
42. I have been treated like I was blind before
43. Really strange feeling
44. I have contemplated and planned suicide 4 times in my life
45. I am still here
46. I believe all of life is connected
47. Even rocks
48. I find great inspiration in children
49. They were one with the source not too long ago
50. We can learn a lot from each other
51. I use to have freckles as a kid
52. They disappeared.
53. I could eat a whole box of chocolate covered pretzels if I could
54. I love to write but I don't think I am good at it
55. I think being PC is a nice thing to do
56. I don't like mean people
57. They drain me
58. I don't believe in Hell
59. Not in a firey damnation anyway
60. I can sing all the songs from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
61. Who can make the sun shine...sprinkle it with dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two..the candy man!
62. I think my husband is the bee's knees when it comes to sex
62. I have only had four partners
63. One was a one night stand
64. The others were in marriage or long term relationships
65. I have never masturbated before
66. People would describe me as sensitive
67. I get my feelings hurt easily
68. I once donated 40 bags of potatoes to help the needy
69. I have done this quite a bit when I am feeling frisky
70. I am talking bout the number not the potatoes
71. I have reocurring dreams that I live in Korea and I am always crossing the fence from North to South
72. I must of been Korean in another life
73. I do like rice
74. Eat it with almost every meal
75. I have undressed in front of a webcam
76. I have a husband who leaves quite a bit
77. I cannot roll my tongue
78. I LOVE shakespere
79. I love buffets
80. I could eat salad everyday
81. I like Skittles
82. The older I get the less I buy them
83. I have an extra tooth
84. I am afraid to get it pulled
85. You can't see it so why bother?
86. I hate laundry
87. I am a morning person
88. I love forensics
89. I don't believe we die
90. We just change form
91. Alot of people think I am weird
92. I think I am just smart
93. I have never been to a club
94. I cannot dance
95. I cannot sing
96. I cannot act
97. Tis why I am not a dancer, singer, or actress
98. I have extremely thick hair and lose a lot of it each day.
99. I only lied once during this list
100. See number 65

Silence

2005-07-15T22:51:00.000-08:00

I sit here listening to the whirling of the dusty ol fan that sounds as if it's getting ready for flight. The dryer is spinning my torn up comforter for the 100th time since being spit upon, peed on, who knows what else on. The faint sounds of Nick At Nite buzz in the background and I tap on the keys with a smile.

It's a rare moment to be alone with myself and to actually hear the ponderings of my own brain for awhile. It's nice. I go through the same thoughts each night when the kids are sleeping. What can I do different tomorrow? Did I hug them enough? Kiss them enough? Did I tell them how much they mean to me?

We spend so much time as adults preparing for the future. Retirement funds, college funds, savings account...... Constantly making sure that the future is secure.

Guess what? Tomorrow is not guranteed. So, instead of using this silence to yawn at the monotony of my day, I will use it to be thankful. Thankful that I have shared another 24 hours here on earth with each moment having the ability to create myself anew. Dance in the gift of today and relinquish myself to the fact that time does not exist and the present moment IS the rest of my life.

Goodnight!

Mother Theresa

2005-07-11T23:23:00.000-08:00

A new part of my blogging from the heart pieces. I will feature each week or so people that have tugged at the inner workings of my soul. Brightened my day. Made me want to be a better person. I find great comfort in inspirational people, movies, songs, nature and writings. I am surrounded by God and it is not a question of where he/she is, but whether or not I am listening.

Today I want to honor Mother Theresa. Such a beautiful soul who was admired by many. While tiny in stature, her heart was as big as the heavens. I get goosebumps just thinking of her, I call them my "truth" bumps. It's when I know I am listening to God within me. Let me share a bit of wisdom from this wonderful angel that touched my life through mere words.

"I see God in every human being. When I wash the leper's wounds, I feel I am nursing the Lord himself. Is it not a beautiful experience?" -- 1974 interview.

There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognize it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them.Love them.

Speak tenderly to them. Let there be kindness in your face, in your eyes, in your smile, in the warmth of your greeting. Always have a cheerful smile. Don't only give your care, but give your heart as well.

"There is only one God and He is God to all; therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God. I’ve always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic. We believe our work should be our example to people. We have among us 475 souls - 30 families are Catholics and the rest are all Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs—all different religions. But they all come to our prayers."

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her. It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed.

"It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving."

Lastly, I share a poem she had hung in an orphanage in Calcutta. Enjoy!

People are often unreasonable, illogical, And self-centered; Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you Of selfish, ulterior motives;Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win someFalse friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank; People may cheat you;Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis it is between you and God It was never between you and them anyway.

Excerpt from a new book I got

2005-07-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

I love books, I love to think, and I especially love to get lost in my spirituality when life gets too hectic. In light of the events of the world today (or should I say dark) I have been adament about changing in me the changes I want to see take place. It's hard with being so shy! But, alas, I have writing to share my thoughts. The piece below might offend, might make you think. I hope it does the latter.

Humanity does not understand
what God wants. We think we
do, but we don’t. Consider this:
If humanity does understand What
God Wants, and if the present
world situation is the best that
humanity can do after all these
years with that information, how
much hope can there be for a
brighter tomorrow?
If we really know everything
that it is truly important
to know about God—and if all
that has been revealed, all that
has been taught, all that has
been said and sung about God
has brought humanity to this,
then what good has all of it been?
Yet if there is something new
for us to learn, something more
for us to understand about God,
then it’s still possible for the
human condition to change. Hope
returns. Not hope for something
better in the Hereafter,
when life as we’ve known it
on the earth has been destroyed,
but hope for something better
right here right now, before everything
has been destroyed.
That hope cannot be realized,
however, until some very
important questions are asked
and answered.
Is it true that humanity
is utterly stubborn, completely
unwilling and absolutely unable
to overcome its most primitive
instincts? Or is it possible
that there is still some
teaching left to be done,
some data still missing, some
important aspect of God and
Life still not understood?
Could it be that the problem
is not with the receivers of the
information, but with the information
itself?
Could it be that humanity’s
understanding of God and of
Life is not so much “wrong”
as it is simply incomplete?
Finally, is it time for humanity
to throw open the door to inquiry
about God in a new way?
For far too long the world’s
discussion about God has been
moving in only one direction,
led in the main by those who
say that we understand all there
is that’s really important for us
to understand about God, and
who assert that humanity’s problems
are not caused by human beings
who fail to understand, but by
human beings who fail to act
on their understanding.
This is a popular notion, but
it’s a misconception. Just the
opposite has been true. It has
been people who did act on what
they understood about God who
have caused many of our biggest
problems.
These are people who thought
they knew What God Wants.
It’s people who thought they
knew What God Wants who created
the 200 years of the Christian
Crusades and the horrors of the
Inquisition, seeking to win the
world for Christianity.
It’s people who thought they
knew What God Wants who told
armies of Muslims to send marauders
far and wide to conquerevery
land and culture and bring it under
the Nation of Islam.
It’s people who thought they
knew What God Wants who
called themselves the Chosen
People and reclaimed land they
declared to be originally their
own, ignoring the fact that history
had caused it to be inhabited
for thousands of years by
others, and telling those others
to now leave portions of that
land, and to live when and how
they are told to live, as second
class citizens without equal rights
in their own home. It’s people
who thought they knew What
God Wants who hanged men
and women in town squares, and
burned others at the stake, holding
up the Good Book and declaring
them to be witches.
It’s people who thought they
knew What God Wants who passed
laws making it illegal for humans
of differing races to marry,
or for consenting adults to engage
in certain sexual practices.
It’s people who thought they
knew What God Wants who created
cultural prohibitions forbidding
people to sing or dance, draw
pictures of any person, or play
music of any kind except sacred
songs.
It’s people who thought
they knew What God Wants
who said that it was not okay
to even utter or write the name
of G--D—but that it was okay
to kill in G-D’s name.
Is all of this really What God
Wants? Are you sure?
It is important to be sure,
because we are not talking about
a small thing here.
There is much that we have
been taught about What God
Wants. Are these teachings accurate?

You want to be inspired?

2005-07-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

Here are some movies to inspire you. What's a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than uplifting your spirit with a good movie and a bowl of popcorn. :)

It's a Wonderful Life
Pay it Forward
Ghandi
Good Will Hunting
Patch Adams
A Beautiful Mind
Dances with Wolves
Schindlers List
Beaches
Fried Green Tomatoes
To Kill a Mockingbird
Mr. Hollands Opus
What Dreams May Come
The Color Purple
Rain Man
Brian's Song
City of Angels
Simon Birch
Stand By Me
Contact
The Princess Bride
Stepmom
Awakenings
Lean on Me

Look at each other

2005-06-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

This is one of the hardest things that I could be asked to do, but doing this will be a good step towards realizing our connection to humanity. Many cultures train us to look away from another! How often have we told our children "Do not stare, it's rude" but what if that staring produced a shift in how we see one another. It can, and I have practiced it with my enemy as well as my loved ones.

When Saddam Hussein was captured and I saw him on the television set, I did not look at anything but his eyes. I stared into the tv set in hopes that somehow the strength and love of my soul would reach the tattered regions of his own. When I looked deeply into the set into this pair of dark eyes. I saw defeat. I did not see a horrible murderer and I did not see revenge. Not one ounce of me wanted to harm this human being or wish him ill. All my soul wanted to do was send him love.

Crazy! You are Crazy some would say. How in the world could you feel any compassion for such a mad man?

Because that madman is composed of the same stuff of life that I am. His soul and it's agenda is the SAME. Evil exists because he created it, he chose not to listen to who he really was. My soul chose to recognize his soul and nothing more that the mind can tarnish. When we can do this with one another, we can change the world.

So, starting today...

Look at each other.

I am not talking about a sideways glance or a quick turn of the head. I am talking about looking into their soul. Feel the energy that you create with another human being, a stranger.
Hold that eye contact for more than a count of “1”. Give yourself permission to actual “be with” another person’s eyes for a breath or two more. Feel the deeper connection that looking into someone’s eyes immediately creates.

Do you know why the simple act of looking into someone’s eyes creates this
connection? Because the eyes are the windows unto the soul. When we look deeply into someone’s eyes we see past the exterior of things, peering deeply into the interior of being. At this deep interior level of being we find nothing but truth.

And, we find love.

That is why the act of simply looking someone in the eye is an act of bravery. It
is when the soul becomes naked. It is when all differences and separations disappear. It is when everything is seen, and everything is seen to be the same.

Try it.

10 steps to change the world

2005-06-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

My mission in life :) In recent days I have been in a spiritual mood. It comes and goes with the business of life, but it's something extremely important to my who I am. I am not a religious person, because religion (in my mind) is earth based. God resides with me, is part of me, and IS me. I do not care who that offends or who gasps because this is my blog right? lol Anyway, I got to thinking about my intro to the blog and it's about changing the world, so do you want to know how it can be done?

By the way, changing the world is about changing the world around you. If
“changing the world” sounds like too big a job for you, think of it as changing the experience and the understanding and the awareness of the people around you, thepeople whose lives you touch. That you can do and when you
do that, you change the world. Because every change for the better that you produce in the life of another is sent forward through that other to those whose lives they touch, and then, through those others to still more, and still more.

People who have changed the world have all started with one other
person! Our world will change when people change their idea about our world. The people on our planet will change when the people on our planet change their ideas about the people on our planet! It is every bit as simple as that.

So, here is what we can do..

Announce ourselves to each other This means we must send the message that we want the self destruction of our planet to end.
The first thing we have to do if we are going to change the world is to let the
world know that we are here. We have to tell each other about each other. We have to “announce” ourselves to each other.
One of the biggest reasons that people do not see themselves as
“world-changers” is that they imagine themselves to be standing alone against
overwhelming odds.
Agree with ourselves about each other
It is important that we come to a new and larger understanding about each
other. We are not each other’s enemies. We are not each other’s obstacles. We are not even each other’s competitors. We ARE each other. Disunity does not exist, we are ALL one.

Align ourselves with each other
This step goes past recognizing that the other person is “us” and raises the
level of consciousness to an awareness that we all share the same desires. ACK! That is hard to do isn't it? But tis true, the inner agenda of every living soul is the SAME.
So it could be said that all of us seek to express and experience love. That is
what all of us choose, and when we have that, all of us are happy, peaceful, and joyful. Love , peace and joy, these are things that all of us desire for ourselves and our loved ones.

Stop separating ourselves from God
This step goes past recognizing that the OTHER person is “us” and raises the
level of consciousness to an awareness that GOD is “us.” This awareness produces a new perception: There is no difference between the Will of God and the Will of You. Did you hear that? Did you understand the implication of that?
Please don’t be offended by these questions. Every day I have to act as if I
never heard that before. Every day I seek to bring myself to a new understanding of what all of that means.
Sometimes I can hear something and “not hear it,” know what I mean? And
sometimes I have to say the same thing over and over again to myself to stop it from going in one ear and out the other. I’ve heard some things so often it’s like I’ve never heard them at all. I have to really focus to bring myself to such tidbits as if they were brand new.

Begin living the truths we say we believe If you say you are generous, do someone a generosity! Otherwise, it's nothing but a thought. If you say you are kind, do someone a kindness! Otherwise, it's nothing but a thought. If you say you are loving, BE love. Otherwise, it's nothing but a thought. BE the change you wish to see in the world. Thank you Ghandi for your wisdom.
Your life has produced the events it has produced, brought in the people it has
brought in, for the simple and explicit purpose of allowing you to know That Which IS true about you, about God, and about all of life. So bless, bless, bless all that has happened and all that is yet to occur, seeing it all as perfect in the process of life.

Comit to being known, commit to being free Do not hide and be ashamed, do not follow blindly the leaders and politicians. Commit to telling the world about who you are, free yourself from your own inner opression. Be free.

Commit to being a leader and forget the outcome. You want change? Change! Be it, live it. Do not worry about what the books and theologies say! Dare to change what is, for had we not done so slavery would still be rampant!
Deal with disappointment & redefine failure Go with the soul, realize that the disappointments in our lives are growth. Failure will surely seem to plague you until you understand that it is blessing you. You must recognize "failure" for what is is. That is to RE-COGNIZE, which is know again. Remember.

GET REAL, GET PRACTICAL, GET GOING This just means to get going, do it today, not some undetermined tomorrow!

Don't take no for an answer!
But remember this: No matter how you answer this
question, God will always say yes.Some people believe they are here for no reason at all; that life is just a case of random selection and chaos in action and their chief assignment is to survive. If this is your idea about life, life will show up that way, because God only says yes. Some people think life is about getting the guy, getting the girl, getting the job, getting married, getting the house, getting the kids, getting the promotion, getting retirement fund and getting the grandkids and the gray hair and then getting the hell out. If that is your idea of life, then life will show up that way cause God only says yes.

Some people have the idea that they have come here for a larger purpose,
that their life is not about themselves, but about everyone whose life they touch,
and that, while they will do many of the same things that other people will do, theywill undertake the “doingness” of their life in such a way as to change the prevailing notion of who and what we are and so, change the world.
What is your choice here on earth? It is whatever you say it is. Life has no
pre-assigned purpose. Life is a process, and that process is called evolution. How we evolve is up to us. The universe has no notion about this, nor does it have a prefrence. It's all up to us.

That concludes Crystals deep thinking for tonight and man am I tired!

Just a day right?

2005-06-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

I understand. It's a man thing. They forget these days that are so important to us women. I made it 4 years and that is not a lifetime or worth silver and gold, but it's worth a lot to my heart. It's not some sequential year like 5, 10, or 15. It doesn't beat out my sister who will celebrate 17 years in August or 50 some odd years of his grandparents. It's just a regular ol 4 years that I have been married to a man who changed my world.

My previous marriage seemed like a million years of a loveless commitment, yet at 4 years I was in the midst of a divorce! Here I sit, completely and utterly in love with my husband. I made it four years without a single ounce of regret and not once have I questioned my love for him. It's nothing I have ever experienced. How could this not be important?

It is the day that we went to Las Vegas and were so disappointed to see that our "internet" chapel was a hole in the ground, but we laughed and said that the real importance was sharing our lives together.

It was the day that we walked in the desert sun through downtown Vegas to get our marriage license with 50 other people waiting in line wondering how many of us would make it and who would be back the next day realizing their drunken mistake?

Do you remember my wedding dress and the little pooch I had because we had our sweet Christian growing inside?

It was the day that you had a limo come and drive us around the city and remember how he talked so darn much? We just wanted to bask in the light of our new marriage and smooch a little.

It was the day that we walked through the halls of the casino in my wedding dress and your dress blues having all the tourists clap for us! I was so proud to be your wife that I forgot all about being shy and actually waved to them all like Miss America.

It was the day that we ate a 350.00 meal on top of the Stratosphere and knew it would be the only time we would get a meal that expensive again.

It was the day you rode the mechanical bull and had all the family laughing hysterically. Nothing like a man in uniform riding a bull. Sexy!

It was the day that we had a jacuzzi suite and I was too pooped to "party" if you know what I mean :) But, I eventually made up for it!

It was the day that we vowed to love each other for a lifetime. The day I became your wife, the day you got the family you always wanted. The day I became Crystal Rachelle Lujin.

You changed my world on June 20th, 2001. Today you crushed it. But, I will forgive because I vowed to love you, for better OR worse and I meant it.

Time flies too fast

2005-06-15T22:34:00.000-08:00

Oh, I know it's an old cliche and everyone will chime "Yes, time does fly" as they nod their head in agreement. But, to me it saddens me to the core. I watch my children growing and dream of pressing pause on time. I had to choke back a tear or two when my baby boy decided that swaddling was a bother. No longer does he lie on my chest, a perfect blob of sweetness, conforming to whatever position I place him in. Instead I get a wiggly worm with a bobbing head as his muscles take him in a new direction. He gains strength as I get weaker. Yesterday is gone. Poof! I will never get those moments back as my son makes his way through the journey of life.

I watch his face light up with a smile whenever I come into view. I know that his tiny mind cannot comprehend that I am still there and will come back into his world whenever I walk away, but does he know I love him? Does he realize how incredibly complete he makes my heart? He is now 15 pounds of loveable smiles and the days of feeling the freshness of a newborn are over. Completely over. I hate it.

Vanessa, 9 years old in a few weeks, has endured the most painful years of watching her mother grow and learn, make mistakes at her expense. Yet, here she comes with her bright eyes and a reflection that resembles my own full of love for her mother. She understands. Her last year of single digits! The days of dressing her up and doing her hair are now reserved for slumber parties. I cried when I held her first lock of hair from a haircut years ago. The way that it curled at the ends, and how proud she was to have cut her hair! I will never get those moments back. All the mistakes I have made, being a child myself, I will never get to redo. Luckily, a child's heart is full of forgiveness and I have a future to look forward to with her.

Now, I haven't forgotten those two sweet boys in between the "old" stage and "new" stage, Jordan and Christian. It's just that seeing Vanessa changing and growing into a young lady makes me sad for the next three in line. I embrace change and relish in the new things they learn each day. But, I will never get those moments back! It saddens me deeply. If only life had a pause, rewind button :)

Slacking

2005-06-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have just been in a funk to write lately, but don't you forget about me! ;) Keep checking, I feel inspiration coming on.

Crystal

Baby Fever???

2005-06-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

No, I am not drunk, high, or having amnesia..lol I was in the hospital today and at our hospital they play Brahams lullaby over the loud speaker everytime a new baby is born. Today we heard it and I got a big smile. I remember just two months ago when the song played when my sweet boy was born. I just might want another one someday. I am still young and have plenty of time. I am crazy too, but I just love my kids. Sigh...

Crystal

Here I am :)

2005-06-02T09:18:00.000-08:00

Long time no write. Family is gone and it's eerily quiet, even with 4 kids running about. Summer vacation is almost here and the sounds of fighting and screaming will soon erode my serenity. I hope the weather is nice because I am going to keep my kids outside as much as possible!

Soon, I will have a 4th grader and a kindergartner and two at home. Not too bad :)

Crystal

I'll be watching you :)

2005-05-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

Just like an angel, I will be watching my fluffy baby grow and thrive and I will be rooting you all on with a big smile on my face. It's your time to shine and be the wonderful spirits that I know you to be and pass it on to others. I will be watching.

Crystal

So far one down.....

2005-05-11T15:14:00.000-08:00

Thank goodness for honesty, as much as it hurts I am glad someone had the nerve to tell me that I have no room in their future as a friend anymore. OUCH. Hurtful, yes. But, I have a feeling many more feel that way and I want it out! Tell me the truth about what you think of me! I am more hurt by FEELING like I do right now then if I actually had it confirmed to be true.

There are times that I do not put out what is given to me and vice versa. I guess this is the weeding out phase of my days at bz. For whoever wants me in their lives, through good times and bad, thank you for being uncondtional. For whoever is afraid to tell me, don't be! It's healthy :) For whoever, thought I was fake or part of a clique, I am sorry you didn't get to know me and my heart. I feel like in such a whirlwind right now, like a HUGE transformation.

First I left to change things in my personal life at home and taking bz with me whereever I went. Now, I am finding that those who once cared, do so no longer. Those that never cared, never will, and those that still care, I hope they always do. All part of the grandness of what we call life. Everyone coming into our lives for the purpose of growth. These revelations hurt my heart, but not my soul for on a soul level we are all the same.

Sadly, I feel like I have been jipped of some friendships because of the attention I once got. It hurts to know that my heartfelt posts and saying I love you was being mocked and people probably laughing and saying "Yeah right, she tries to get so much attention" I KNOW people have thought these things and I tried so hard to downplay myself, but I can't not be Crystal Lujin and yes I do love you.

I had more to say..

2005-05-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know what has come over me, but I have an overwhelming need to spew forth all my flaws, perhaps to start some healing in certain areas of my life. Or maybe just to have a list to show the counselor tomorrow. Who knows, but if you ever wanted to get to the depth of who I am, keep reading.

I am co dependant. I am not even exactly sure what that entails, but I know that I am. I went from one marriage straight into another, sadly mimicking my mother with her own life. I was on my own for a brief period, but never truly *alone* as I had Brian before I had even left my first marriage! I would let you trample over me with a steam roller and peel myself up from the pavement and give you a hug. It's that bad. I take too much crap then complain about it. Nothing worse then a person who complains of being taken advantage of then saying "Sure, I can do that for you" the next minute. Sad, really.

I yell. Bless my poor children, but I yell. I don't get down to their level and calmly put them in the "naughty corner". I intimidate and I hate it. It's something I am trying really hard on, but it's hard. I feel like I am not heard. I yell at my husband to the point that he has to remind me it's summer and the windows are open. I am embarrassed to think my neighbors could be in on my dark secret. I yell. Horrible.

I am shy. Most people know this as it's not something easy to hide. Unless of course they just think im a snobby bitch! I bet the bid on that is 50-50, even amongst bzers. Who cares? I am shy people!! I have a phobia of speaking in public and that doesn't just mean speeches. It means opening my mouth and saying hello to someone I don't know.

My marriage is not perfect. We fight and we fight hard sometimes. Sometimes for days. Sometimes in front of the kids. Sometimes to the point of divorce. But, love is there, we work it out, but by golly don't anyone think for a second that my marriage is all lovey dovey where every argument is met with a hug and apology. More like my shoe thrown across the room and him sleeping upstairs on the couch,then waking up having some pissed off sex and then forgetting about it. Yeah, we don't always make up the right way, just like our arguments..lol Fun though ;)

I procrastinate. Like right now I should be doing something else, but the power of the keyboard beckons me.

I am anal about being on time. HUGE peeve of mine if I am late for anything. Obessive compulsive? Maybe. I also have to cook my meat until it no longer resembles anything edible and quarantine my kids when they get sick. Mean mom!

I pick my nose, fart, burp and have been known to pee when I laugh! (Hey, 4 kids will do that to you)

I am human.

Crystal

Bad mood, time to debate!

2005-05-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

Just feeling onery today and wanted to debate so took it to Hot Topics. No particular reason. On a side note, I have to admit that *something* is missing from bz that use to be there. I can't put a finger on it or perhaps it was me who has changed. Even the new people arriving do not seem the same. Is that weird? It's like my soul chose to be in that particular place and time and meet those that I have met for a grander purpose in my life and now that I have met those few, I move on. Not that I do not love meeting new people, I guess I just do not have the energy anymore to put forth the things I use to. That makes me horrible, I presume.

I really have changed, why don't I need bz anymore? It's strange and exhilarating all at once. I still have the "want" to lurk and read, but something about it has lost it's spark. Where did it go? For everyone I have met, I truly believe we have done so for a reason and each of you have brought forth something to my life that will never be forgotten.

Crystal

Tonight, I am beautiful

2005-05-05T16:01:00.000-08:00

Some writings of mine..

I stand at the foot of the bed, looking intently at my reflection from a shoddy dime store mirror. The candles illuminate the room with an amorous glow, hiding the imperfections that decorate my body. My hair cascades down my neck, after being held hostage by a faded ponytail holder. I finger the ends of my tresses and find they are broken, revealing neglect and lost time. A slight tug covers my palm in lifeless hair, no longer a part of me. My hands are thirsty for replenishment from a hard days work. I try to avoid my face but my eyes will not allow me the satisfaction. My brow illustrates the result of pregnancy and presents a display of blemishes. My nose and cheeks dare to grow wider against my begging. My breasts are an atlas of bluish streaks that are working hard to produce a nourishing outlet to feed my baby. They have developed into delightful toys for my husband tonight. I try not to turn my back tothe mirror, for tragedy struck and left its mark. A burn that scarred my body as a baby, still remains and I weep. I cannot veil the skin that speaks of fire. I can only hope that the world does not become aware of it. My belly displays the signs of new life, not yet sustainable in the outside world. The symbols of childbirth of past litter my essence with lines that tell a story. My hips have expanded, and quiet bumps align my backside. Scars and freckles are dispersed throughout, each of them remaining nameless, yet defining who I am. I move to the bed in silent desperation. He unlocks thedoor.He moves towards me in a deliberate fashion, smiling, eager for theprize that only I, his wife, can give him. His hands are tender as they graze over all imperfections as if they were golden. The scars and the freckles disappear in his touch. He places his fingers over my protruding belly, and kisses his offspring. To him, my tummy is a symbol of love, the result of devotion to one another. My breasts are not revolting as he strokes and accepts the changes with anticipation. My face is not a mound of shortcomings; it is theface of a woman in love, the woman he loves. His hands glide through my locks and I feel his breath upon my skin. He doesn't observe the sign of neglect; he only feels the softness and the smell of jasmine from a wash two days ago. I fear the scar on my back will burn an image into his mind forever. An image of disgust and ruin his fantasy of perfection. He touches it. Tears roll down my face. He kisses my lips then moves them to a place on my scar.Tears roll down his face. He cries. He cries not for the blemish that adorns me, but for the calamity that struck my body so long ago. His eyes profess love, he kisses each imagined imperfection.

Tonight, I am beautiful.

Feeling uncertain.

2005-05-04T14:10:00.000-08:00

I went to the counselor today and she was nice enough maybe a little too many rehearsed "Oh, im so sorry's" and symphathetic looks. A few too many awkward silences and uncomfortableness for me. Diagnosis? Severe social anxiety and depression. Gee you think?

Now, help me to combat these evil brain annoyances! She gave me a video and some handouts and told me ways to get out of the house and some ideas of where to go so I do not have to have too much interaction with people. Hmm, not sure how that will help me! But, I will not give up, she is a professional after all.

However, part of her talk made me wonder about my decision to come back to bz. Too tempting. Too easy to get caught up again and neglect all these changes I have worked so hard for. Not to mention it royally pissed off my husband (and we have to patch too many things for me to neglect him again due to bz)to know that I had been not only lurking but posting! I think I disappointed him.

Perhaps I have disappointed myself also. Shortly after the post I didn't feel too good about it. Mostly because my coming back was not going to be the "old" me who posted to every post and had a poll every five minutes. I wondered would that let people down? Would that make it seem like I do not care? Once again the stress coming back and I had worked so hard to let that go! The people I care about have my email and they mine. Why did I give in? I suppose I wouldn't have if I wouldn't have started lurking again. Believe it or not, I had stopped for the first month and a half I was gone! Then the past two weeks have been my downfall. I just don't know. I am afraid that if I do post it will be sporadic and that is because I am extremely busy. Ahh well, I need to get to a point where I do not care what others think and DUH! I can be a good friend through emails too. Sigh..

Crystal

Gaps and Farts

2005-05-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

No, I am not talking about some bizzare Harry Potter candy. I am speaking of the awkward stages of life that we all have to endure for a short period of time. The days where beauty is found in the transformation and growth and less on the outward appearances.

Take Vanessa for example, 8 years old, nestled sweetly in the comfort of her cocoon which will someday emerge a butterfly. Her mouth flashes "Vacancy" as the former tenants leave their dwellings to make room for new. Some old, some new, some long, some short, some live close together, some far apart, all residing together for the purpose of change. I watch this experience from the outside in, being careful as to not thwart the process. Soon, she will say hello to that first pimple, greasy hair, aunt flo and breasts and I hope that I am prepared for it.

On the other end of the spectrum is my little pollywog Caiden. Fresh from creation, yet suffering from hormonal city. His face is covered with a dry, rashy annoyance that makes the most seasoned mother cringe. It gives new meaning to the old joke "Does your face hurt son? beause it's killing me" and I wish I was a hormonal genie that could magically use them to suit my needs. My poor baby can honestly say at this point in his life "I am my mother" and mean it.

My hormones surge through his body dancing with his own uniqueness and winning the battle...for now. Not only is he trying to combat the pimply rash, but he is also farting like a machine gun in the midst of war. I don't know whether to laugh or go hide behind a bunker when I hear the tiny blasts shooting through his diaper at rapid speed and defeating his own father with one poot. I refuse to take blame for THAT hormonal episode and point the finger at his immature digestive system instead.

Oh the joys of being alive!

Crystal

Makes me feel good!

2005-05-02T19:12:00.000-08:00

It's no secret, I help my husband with his homework. I expect the same when I need his left brain to help me with math :) Anyhow, it's nice to see some good comments from the teacher for my work..lol I helped to write 5 metaphors and similies for a project they were doing and brought the team to a flawless victory on their paper. Hear that horn? Yeah, im tooting it! lol

Here were my original pieces of work and the teachers comments.

The Aurora Borealis painted a vibrant, icy rainbow across the night sky (good one)

The icicles melt like tears as springtime approaches (like it, good detail)

He jumped into the vast sea of web surfers and found himself drenched with information. (nice comparison)

The snow capped mountains looked like freshly frosted cupcakes. (Love this one)

The clouds were like a big top, welcoming the jet into it's circus in the sky. (very, very well done)

I hope I can do as well on my own homework!

Crystal

Potpourri

2005-05-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

Just a mixture of thoughts today...

April 30th marked Caiden's first real smile for momma! The poor boy has endured countless hours of mom in his face ga-gooing him to death to get another glimpse. He does it on cue now and just warms my heart.

I have been so excited about school, I look forward to homework once again! Oh, if only our children would say as much. I have concluded that I only have 5-6 classes left before I can take the NET (nursing entrance test) and that is only two semesters as I plan to go full time (I can do it!) I have been researching books on how to study for the test because I am horrible at math! HORRIBLE. I want to get a huge head start. In actuality, I have enough credits now to take the NET but I would have to take the 5-6 other credits I need a long with doing clinicals and that would be a bit much so I think it's best to wait.

Sheesh, listen to me babble about these important things! I feel like I have so much to look forward to. However... there is one thing I do NOT look forward to, but there is noway to hide. It's called COM111 and I hate to type the words but... ORAL COMMUNICATION SKILLS. Oh dear God, help me! How will I ever get through that class? I can feel my nervous twitches and red face coming on now...

Started a workout routine (thanks Julie for the inspiration), took a nice walk today with the kids and hubby. I also did 15 minutes on my elliptical (gearing towards 30) yesterday. Eating healthier too, as I am the world's worst eater! Can we say cereal for dinner? Yep, that would be me. I started to round out my diet a bit more and actually eat most of the food groups during a meal.

Yawn...im beat,think I might take a little nap.

Crystal

Wow...speechless is all I can say

2005-04-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning to some papers on the computer keyboard. The words scrawled across the top read "Your application to the University of Alaska has been sent"

What the heck? Brian had paid the 40 dollars and filled out the admissions application for me while I was sleeping.

I then read an email from Brian saying that he did a lot of thinking during some down time at work last night and realized that he has been being extremely selfish. As much as he wants to finish his degree, he can get no use out of it until he retires from the military anyhow and he apologized profusly for being so hurtful and not caring about my dreams. He then proceeded to talk to his academic counselor and tell him that he will only be taking a class once every four months so I can return to school. He says it is time for him to "step up" and he will help out as much as he can so I can fulfill this dream. He says he misses my smiles and he truly wants to see me happy and he thinks I will be a happier wife, mom, and maybe even get to makes some friends.

He did have one condition.... to buy him a truck when I get rich..lol It's not the money for me, but the chance to BE something and really go out and change the world.

I am speechless, nervous, and overwhelmed that this all happened in the wee hours of ONE night! I have already got my applications sent out to get my transcripts and am filling out the financial aid forms now. I can't believe I am going to go back! I am almost giddy with excitement to be doing something for ME. A couple of hours each day to expand my mind and have adult conversation.

I love my children dearly, I do. But, momma needs to have something to call my own! I also am nervous about attending an actual University! Sheesh, I have only attended community colleges before. Wow, is about all I can say. Go me!

I am getting help...

2005-04-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

I have come to my absolute worst and I am defeated. I have an appointment to talk with a counselor next Wednesday at 11am. I need help. I am tired of feeling unworthy, tired of being sad, tired of living the way that I have been living. I could have just upped the dosage of my pills but I don't want to rely on pills to increase my seratonin and make me "happy". I want REAL change in myself. Things I do all on my own to make me feel good about who I am.

I am tired of being the one who knows exactly what needs to be done but never doing anything about it.

If you are out there, think of me. It's a huge step for me considering I have been too shy to EVER make these kinds of appointments because I feel like the only one in the world like me and in need of help. I am tired and vow that by the time I turn 27 this year (July) that my mind is on it's way to being healthy! I am actualy excited for myself and the day I can finally look in the mirror and be proud of the reflection.

Down green eyed monster...

2005-04-27T16:56:00.000-08:00

Sigh...I wouldn't want to read this for the past few days if I were you. Nothing but a bunch of self pity whining. I have always had jealousy problems with my SIL (brians bros wife) as she is outgoing (im not) fave of the inlaws (im not) children are faves amongst family (mine are not) her and her husband get weekends away at least twice a month! (no joke) We do not...the list goes on.

*background*
I have had a dream of going into the medical field since I graduated highschool. I have taken classes since 1997 for my nursing degree and never finished due to having children and moving all the time. I so wish to be the "Patch Adams" of the nursing world. Uplifting my burnt out coworkers, offering a loving word to a family who's child is hurting, a smile for a tired spouse who stays by the bedside of his laboring wife. I wanted to change the quality of life for people!
Then one day, I decided to let my husband fulfill his dreams first and put my schooling on hold. He won't be done with his bacholers until 2008. I thought I was fine with it (perhaps some mild jealousy) until I get this letter from SIL today (mind you, I had no idea she was even going back to school)

I told the nurse joke at school last night, most of us are there to be nurses!! We had an awful test I thought it would lighten the mood. I am almost done with the semester, I only have a week left!! I can't wait to get done and get a paying job!

I respond with geunine niceness, yet feeling choked up..

That is great that you are almost done! Sheesh, I have been going to school since 1997 and still am not finished. I was going for a nurse too, someday ill finish when all these kiddos get older and Brian is done with his degree. I guess 30 isn't too late..lol Have you taken Anatomy yet? That's a toughie.

Her response:
I'm taking Anatomy now. If I do well on the final I'll get an A, gosh I hope so.......... I don't know if you've looked into it but here the sciences (Anatomy, Microbiology, etc) only stay current for 5 or 6 years. So you might have to re-take them when you start again. That's what a few people in my class are doing right now.

Thanks for that info! I always wanted to know that I would have to start all from scratch and that none of my hard work would mean anything. I secretly did know that 7 years was the max for credits, but geez! I was trying to not break my own heart and think of that.

Sometimes I just feel like a square peg in a round hole in this world. Let's see, I should be around 30 when Brian is done with school and the kids are going themselves and another 2-4 years of school for me, making me 34-35 years old finally fulfilling my dream. That isn't too old is it? Somehow, that just makes me sadder.

Sigh..

Crystal

Something to drown your sorrows in...

2005-04-26T18:29:00.000-08:00

OMG, if you didn't know this about me already,I Cinnabon fanatic! I just love the gooey sweet mess of those gigantic cinnamon rolls. Well, my friends and family, I have found the exact equilvelant to them and had about 3 in one day! lol YUMMY! So good in fact, I had to share them with you. (They require a bread machine)

"Better than the Mall" Cinnamon Rolls

Rolls

1 Cup of warm milk

2 eggs

1/3 cup butter, melted

4 and 1/2 cups of Flour

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup of sugar

2 packages of quick active dry yeast

Filling

1 cup of packed brown sugar

2 tablespoons ground cinnamon

1/3 cup butter, softened

Frosting

1 package (3oz) cream cheese, softened

1/4 cup butter, softened

1 and 1/2 cups powdered sugar

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

1. Measure carefully, placing all roll ingredients in bread machine pan in order recommend by manufacturer.

2. Select Dough cycle

3. Remove dough from pan, using lightly floured hands, place on lightly floured surface. Cover dough and let rest 10 minutes. Meanwhile, in small bowl, mix brown sugar and cinnamon

4.Grease bottom and sides of 13x9 inch pan with shortening or spray.. Roll dough in 20x16 rectangle. Spread 1/3 cup butter over dough, sprinkle evenly with brown sugar/cinnamon mixture. Roll up dough beginning at 20 inch side pinch edges to seal. Cut into 12 slices. Place in greased pan. Cover and let rise in warm place for 35-45 minutes or until double in size

5. Heat oven to 375. Bake 20-25 minutes or until golden brown. Meanwhile, in medium bowl beat all frosting ingrediens with electric mixer on medium speed until smooh and spreadable. Let rolls stand 5 minutes before frosting.

I know it seems time consuming but it is sooo worth it! I don't think I will ever have to buy another cinnabon again!

Crystal

Whine, whine, whine...

2005-04-26T16:10:00.000-08:00

I mentioned before about the new "friends" I was meeting and now am becoming so saddened at how they treat me. I usually get along with older women but there is a kind that I do not appreciate. The motherly ones. I admit I look a bit young but I am almost 27 years old and far from needing "mothering" (plus I have one thanks!) and it seems that this woman that I met has taken on that role. Here are some recent conversations..

Me: Could you help me tie this Taekwondo belt please, im not quite sure how to do it
Her: Do you know how to tie a tie?
Me: Nah
Her: You have three boys and you don't know how to tie a tie?
Me: silence (yet thinking, well Jordan hasn't been to a formal in years, Christian can tie his own and Caiden's prom isn't for oh..another 16 years! Goodness woman!)

Me: Sheesh these pants are long Jordan, we need to fold them up
Her: Do you sew?
Me: Nah, don't know how
Her: Do you at least know how to use a needle and thread
Me: Sure! (lie to avoid the sheepishly meek child look)

By the way she is 34

Do you ever get people who's tone of voice sounds as if they are constantly putting you down? Or perhaps aggravated at having to explain things to you? UGH. For some reason people think I am unintelligent. My mother tells me it is because I am shy and allow people to treat me like I am Welcome...
the Welcome MAT that is.

Whine Number 2...

My neighbor that took so much courage for me to welcome her to the neighborhood and introduce myself has been here for 2-3 months and already has a houseful of friends over right now! I look out my window and choke another tear for myself and wallow in that neverending pool of self pity because...

I have been here for a year now and I am alone.

Crystal

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

2005-04-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

It's such a beautiful day today in good ol Alaska! Not a cloud in the sky and a nice 65 degrees. Gorgeous! I am sitting here on my laptop listening to the sounds of excitement as the school children go from "math" mode to "play" mode. Nothing like being able to write and soak up the calm weather that only Alaska can bring. It was a long winter and now not a speck of snow is glistening on the grass. Goodbye for now, snowflakes, see you next November!

Crystal

Dad caught us!

2005-04-21T17:10:00.000-08:00

Nothing like seeing what you look like sleeping..lol (Thanks hun!) Gotta love my prince though! ;)

*need to resize pic*

I miss my friends...

2005-04-19T17:20:00.000-08:00

Blame it on hormones, but I miss my online buddies. :( I hate finding out about new babies and pregnancies, new homes and friends, vents and sadness, and all the things that you have in a friendship... second hand. Sometimes, I do not even find out at all and just have to wonder how they are doing and assume that all is well in their lives.

I can't help but wonder if they think that I don't care about them anymore. Do they understand the special place they hold in my heart? I can only hope. The convienance of online posting is causing a drift in the friendships I once shared. :( I have a feeling that as time goes on, so will the memories of my name. It's only natural as time changes. All of life is changing, people change. I will not return (at least not in the near future)and this saddens me.

The future was looking promising as I was meeting new people, trying new things, but alas I am at a standstill. The same stagnant behavior that had me running to the boards to fill that void. I cannot allow myself to do that. I will not let this shyness win.

The friends I thought I was making is looking like another aquaintance type of thing. Is it because their husbands are officers? Is it because I look different? Smell different? Act ignorant or snobby? What is it about me that is not approachable? I left to open new doors, only to find that they are locked or otherwise occupied.

I listen to an in depth conversation about Catholisism and ask questions and am genuinly interested in what they have to say. I cringe when they ask of my faith because as beautiful as my spirituality is to my heart, some people just aren't ready to accept that part of me. It's too "out there", too liberal, too something that scares people.

I listen to a group of women talk of homeschooling and listen to them make plans to meet at the local library with their children. I ask questions of interest and am sincere. When asked of my children and their school, I utter "public school" like it is a disease. Truthfully, I look forward to the day they are all in school during the day so I can focus on myself. (I was a teen mom, give me a break here ;)

Each day I hope to find some common ground and the more I find myself hiding who I am in order to be liked. I just want a friend that will accept me for all of my idiosyncrisies and flaws. Is their such a creature? *brag alert* yes, I know there has to be because I am one of them!

I am just tired of the struggle and beginning to think that friendship just isn't important anymore. I am almost 27 years old and haven't had a friend in the real world since I was in highschool. I am not joking here. It's just too tiring anymore and I am lost as to what I have to do other than show up to places, talk, and just hope that I snag one. I am all out of bait.

Ack!

2005-04-19T13:20:00.000-08:00

People say "Oh what's one more?" HA! A lot! I now find myself double checking the back seat to make sure I have them all and carefully planning how I am going to take a shower each day. I am in the process as we speak of making my own "Super Nanny chart" so I can make it through the day with a few accomplishments. If everyone gets dressed, fed, and a couple kisses throughout the day then I consider that good!

However, I do not want to sell myself short, nor my children. I'll let you know how the chart thing goes. Go mommy!

Ol Blue eyes...or no?

2005-04-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

My mom and Brian have a bet going on the color of my son's eyes. Right now (like most babies) they are a definate blue. However, they are not the slate blue that he was born with. They are getting lighter and lighter but remaining blue. She says she is certain he is blue eyed like his momma. Daddy says he dominates everything (gag me) and that he will bet 100 bucks they will be brown because brown is dominate. Only time will tell, but I have a feeling that daddy is gonna be out a hundred bucks..lol

Crystal

My favorite thing

2005-04-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

Don't blink you might miss it :) I am talking about the spastic slobbery "kisses" that a newborn makes when mealtime is upon him. Eyes closed, mouth wide open, latching onto a cheek or nose like a hungry octopus, all the while searching in frustration for the one that will deliver. The mean mommy that I am, I look for these opportunities to grab a faux kiss and try to hold onto the moment forever. These days will soon pass, as his tiny mind will grow and develop new ways of "asking" for food. For now I will just relish these practice kisses until they give way to "I love my mommy kisses" that are real and hide no agenda. I will miss them though.

Crystal

Caiden Alert!!!!!

2005-04-13T20:30:00.000-08:00

He is just a sweet breath of fresh air everytime I kiss his sweet face. If you ever wondered how you can possibly love another child after the 1st, well I am here to tell you just how possible it is. I have been so wonderfully blessed to fall in love 4 times over. Mommy loves you Caiden!

Trying some pics...

2005-03-30T15:49:00.000-09:00

Boobs, Boobs, Glorious boobs!

2005-03-30T15:43:00.000-09:00

I have to admit this is a favorite postpartum delight! I am not use to a man staring straight at my chest, but I get to experience this now. My husband is obsessed! I slap him if he tries to come near them as they are on fire and the last thing I want is him to cop a feel. I told him if he wants to know how they feel, I could always give him an indian burn "down there" hehe. I don't think he would like that much. Look but don't touch! I am out of comission at the moment.

Crystal

The Four Seasons

2005-03-30T15:30:00.000-09:00

I got to thinking today (Watch out! She's gonna blow!) and realized that I have had children in all 4 seasons...

Christian my wonderful winter boy, January 2002
Caiden my sweet spring boy, March 2005
Vanessa my superb summer girl, July 1996
Jordan my friendly fall boy, September 1999

So, now I call them my four seasons and I give them all 5 stars :)

Crystal

That's all Folks!

2005-03-22T17:02:00.000-09:00

My journey of being pregnant is in it's final hours. No more will I anxiously await the two pink lines, the butterflies of life, or the unidentified body part poking through my skin. My belly button will get it's last cleaning before it retreats back into a dark hole and my cravings for the sweet aroma of tires will subside. My pregnancy books have been read for the last time and no longer will "What to expect when your expecting" adorn my shelf. The pages are tattered and some wrinkled with water as they comforted me during a warm bath. My feet will never again be forgotten and tying my shoes will not require an acrobactic maneuver. I will not have the surprise of finding out the gender, nor the amazing miracle that takes place in 200 some odd days. I will no longer bring new souls into the world, I will only have 4 souls that I can nurture and feed like a sunflower facing the sun.

Four times, birth has been inevitable and yet each time it is met with a fresh excitement, as well as fear. Will my son be okay? Will I be able to handle the pain? You can never become a "seasoned" mom, as each new birth is as the first. Eight and a half years ago, I met the miracle of life for the first time. The birth of my daughter and the birth of a 17 year old mother. I welcomed motherhood with open arms and have relished in the birth of two more boys. Each soul bringing something to my life, something to learn, a lesson in love.

Tomorrow I will greet my 3rd baby boy and my heart will feel complete. I am sad to say goodbye to pregnancy and the chance to be the maker of a miracle. I now can watch these beautiful babies grow and one day, they too, will take part in miracle of life. I hope to be there to witness the circle of life and love within their own families and to think back and smile. Smile for all that they have given me, not only in life, but in the choosing. Choosing me to be their mother, back when they touched the face of God. How lucky I have been.

Crystal

To pee or not to pee..

2005-03-17T08:38:00.000-09:00

Before you read any further, I suggest a panty liner or some strong Kegal exercises to prepare you for my next comment....

I peed the bed last night! See, I made you have to pee from laughing didn't I? Seriously, I didn't go that much but in my dream I was peeing and woke up with from a small trickle down my leg. Had I not of been peeing in my blissful state of REM, I might have thought my water broke. I quickly got up and rushed to the bathroom and had a little talk with my son as I sat on the pot.

I told him that both he and I would be a lot more comfy if he would just decide that it was time to meet his momma and stretch those little legs out into the world instead of into my ribs or my pea sized bladder. Never try to negotiate with a baby in utero! They always win, I tell you! I waddled back to the bed glaring at my husband in the light of the alarm clock that flashed 3:30am and vowed never to share the secret of the pee.

I told him the minute he woke up. LOL I am such a sick wife!

Crystal

First Elephant pregnancy in human!

2005-03-16T10:39:00.000-09:00

Yep, that would be me. 22 more months and this boy might decide that life is pretty neat on the outside of that dark hole he is in! He will probably come out with his ears flapping and his trunk snorting milk instead of suckling! I will have to call him Dumbo and fly to some remote African bush country to raise him!

Okay, that might be extreme. I am not overdue yet, but I have never had to experience labor naturally, or should I say couldn't. Take a look at my history..

Vanessa: Two weeks early (induced) because I went for 2 whole weeks contracting and contracting just for the bloody fun of it! Doctor felt sorry for me, induced at 38 weeks and she made her grand entrance, healthy and happy.

Jordan: Two weeks OVERDUE (induced finally) because once again, I NEVER started labor on my own. Just nasty and annoying cramping and tightening 2 weeks after he was due. German doctors aren't thrilled with inducing or drugs so it took my mere "american" status and begging to be induced for him to oblige. Jordan was 9lbs and sometimes late at night I can hear his Elephant whine from my bedroom as if to say "You were lucky mom" Sheesh

Christian: Forget this, I asked for elective inducement at 39 weeks due to my past Elephant-type pregnancies. Nice civilian doctor obliged and Christian was born a week early and 8.4lbs and perfectly fine.

Caiden: I have to follow the silly bs of military doctors who don't want to listen to me and it looks as if I will have a freakin 10 pounder who wants to eat peanuts instead of breast milk!

Can you feel the frustration? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Crystal

Oh just a little something funny before I go

2005-03-14T18:24:00.000-09:00

I find it strange posting to myself. It's a bit like Twilight Zone as I post and talk to myself, hoping someone is out there. Are you? Am I alone echoing my thoughts into a vast sea of web surfers who could care less about my tiny piece of the ocean? Ahh, kinda humorous in a way! Hello..ello...ello...ello........

I do miss my peeps. you know who you are.

Don't have much time...

2005-03-14T18:18:00.000-09:00

Must walk...must get this boy ready to greet the world! I am sitting on my booty for just a spare second in hopes that I can walk enough miles around my house to get my cervix to do what it is suppose to.

I am at 2cm and 80% effaced and he is ready to go according to the doctor! While bittersweet being my last, I am so uncomfortable and ready. Sometimes you just "know" that things have come full circle. This pregnancy was that for me. I know when I hold his precious body in my arms, I will feel complete.

Must walk....................

Go Caiden Go!

Momma

Say hello to the midnight sun..

2005-03-10T13:37:00.000-09:00

The icicles are crying as the Alaskan sun says goodbye to their fleeting existance and hello to spring . The snow on the ground imprisons the tears in little icy cups, as they disappear until next year. Springtime in Alaska is a mushy, soiled mess and the vehicles scream with disgust as muddy boots trample their carpets.

This spring we have generated the new "Life Saving Time" and sprung forward with both feet as we settle in for a year of change. Small, microsteps I say, okay well maybe I don't operate too well that way. :)

We said goodbye to our 1998 Dodge Caravan and bought a fully loaded 2005 Chrysler Town and Country minivan. Very nice. DVD for the kids, stow and go seating and storage, you know the important things. hehe. I can only hope that the new car smell lasts till next spring and I promise with all my might, to not trample the carpets with slush too badly.

On two side notes, I have talked with University of Phoenix online program and plan to start that in 2 months (need baby recovery time) and either finishing my associates or going all out and getting a Bacholer of Science in Health Administration. Either way, I am going back to school one way or another.

Secondly, only 16 days till due date, and monday is my next appointment. I can only hope they want to take this basketball of misery and let me meet my son and kiss his lips. I am dying here!

Journey

2005-03-08T16:05:00.000-09:00

"So, now I come...to you...with open arms"....

Those lyrics are perpetually engrained into my mind as clear as the days of kissing my sister’s posters of George Michael. Journey held no other meaning to my heart other than the way it's uncomplicated label made big haired girls swoon.

Now, as the memory of those Journey days become gray both literally and figuratively, a new voyage takes dwelling inside my life and heart. A journey that I plan to embrace with open arms, however daunting that might be.

Self discovery. Ha! It's a never ending process. So, now I come to you LIFE with open arms....

Watch out world!